These feelings have been playing on my mind lately.
Am I cursed I think to myself?
I just can’t help feeling like I am, In no way is this post a pity post, but rather me letting it all out. When I met my husband and found out we couldn’t have children my world came crashing down. I ended up in a depressive spiral. I found out in quite a brutal way.
I turned up for a scan as I was having sporadic periods, ‘oh you have PCOS and unfortunately may struggle to conceive, but there is so much they can do these days and your doctor will go through all that with you when you next see him’ All I could hear was you may not conceive. It’s all I ever wanted, was a family.
I went into a shell, I closed off completely. My appointment came and we were told because of the damage by my Endometriosis and PCOS, on top. IVF would be the best way. So our IVF journey started. What was only weeks felt like months.
The anxiety of will it won’t it work?
It felt like the world was moving around me but I was stuck. I was stuck in this bubble of pain. The two week wait was the longest two weeks of my life. For those that don’t know the two week wait is when the egg has been implanted. You wait two weeks to see if it’s a successful pregnancy.
I wrapped myself in bubble wrap and did everything by the book.
Test day came, we were successful. But my happiness was short lived because the panic set in. I was told I had to wait 6 weeks to see if I could hold on to my pregnancy, that’s how they put it.
We had our 6 week scan and all was well, we then got booted across to the NHS care, that’s where it all went wrong. Neglect!
I wasn’t seen until I was 13 and a half weeks pregnant. I had my 12 week scan at 13/14 weeks. It felt like I’d been holding my breath the whole time. The sickness set in and I had to be put on meds and was in and out of hospital due to baby’s heart rate and my sickness.
I never had the same midwife.
I think they would of picked up on my anxiety if I had the same one.
After stressing my concerns I was always laughed at and told that I am just nervous. Please listen to me!
Long story short I was right. The Worst and Happiest day of my life.
Now I look back and just feel cursed.
All my first experiences that where meant to be joyous, were not.
Having my baby!
All her firsts, I never experienced!.
You can’t help but feel like you are cursed.
The one person I loved most died only months before I was successful with my IVF and never made it to my wedding.
I strive to help others now, I wanted something positive, (apart from my beautiful girl of course), to come from all this.
So if you’re reading this, if you have been through pain and faced hurdle after hurdle, I hear you.
It can feel lonely and so isolating to feel this way, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Even if we haven’t met. I want you to know that by reaching out or writing down how you feel is a release. So when you are ready to, you’ve got this!