Well it has been a long time since I wrote a blog post. I love writing but felt I needed to take a step back to focus on me.
I started volunteering and tried a few yoga classes. I started going for walks and trying everything to just keep focused on something. Writing was my escape but it got to the point where I would be so focused on what people would say, if they liked it.
I became anxious on what I wrote and it lost all meaning because I’d like to say I always wrote very open and honestly. But my anxiety finally took over. So I stepped away for a while.
In that break I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and well it has not been fun. I was also diagnosed with chronic fatigue, low b12, never ending. Short version, it’s been crap!
It’s been hard leaving my home town. I am still on anti depressants and that’s okay. I really want to start cutting down in the new year but every time I say ‘yep this month’ It’s like my body tells me ‘your not ready’ it is hard to explain but I have such a low week when I say that.
It is exhausting dealing with one health issue after another. My little one is now four and it’s hard to keep up at times and hard to explain that mummy feels tired or mummy doesn’t feel to good today. The ‘mum guilt’ kicks in and then the anxiety, it’s like a never ending bloody round Abbott.
The only way I have managed to cope is to realise when I am having a flare up and when I need to rest. I am no good to her or anyone when I am in that state. Every muscle in your body hurts and you barley have the energy to stand let alone do anything else.
You start getting unhelpful comments like how you should go to the gym’ I tried that, I did! I went to yoga, I came home felt great but that night I was balling my eyes out, I was in that much pain I couldn’t move or get up to get some tablets. I just cannot do it.
I wish I could because I would love my twenties body back but if it means taking pain killers every night and being in agony I just can’t. I have a child, house and job to do and look after. Plus looking after me is a job in its self at times.
Don’t you sometimes wish someone would just say ‘that must be sh*t is there anything I can do to help’ Or even just a hug. Sometimes less is more.
Less is more……..