Summer is round the corner and everywhere I look I see pregnant women. I look on at how excited they are and I am envious, I admit it. I am! I know I won’t have another baby, I won’t get that experience.
We decided we wouldn’t have anymore, we thought it was best after everything I went through physically and what we both went through mentally. I was told I may not cary to full term next time round due to the trauma, I was told I was lucky to carry as far as I did. If that’s not enough to put someone off I don’t know what is. I was 34 weeks when I had my little girl.
It is hard knowing I will never have another baby. I won’t experience those first moments that I wanted and hoped to experience the first time round. I was physically and emotionally very unwell. I still feel like I failed her and that will stay with me. Sometimes when I am having a bad day or week, I think why me! Was I meant to be a mother, Should it of been this hard.
Then I came across this message;
“Just because you have struggled it Does not mean you have failed”
I recently heard him say this and it is true. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. We can only try and try again in life. I certainly didn’t receive the A-Z of parenting! WE will make mistakes. We will have days where we feel like hiding in the cupboard with a cuppa or lets face it a glass of wine and the biggest box of chocolates we can find and just sit. The days of going to the toilet alone have gone. It is okay to feel like you want a break because we all NEED a break! To be the best person for them and ourself. Early on I nearly had a break down it took my counsellor to say “kerry if you don’t stop you will end up back in hospital”
That was the last place I wanted to be again, It scared me so much that I tried everything I could to give myself a break. I want to be there for her always because I feel/felt I owed it to her after being too ill to in those first years.
I look at my daughter now and she is growing up so fast, she is doing well. I don’t think those feelings of guilt and what if’s will ever leave me. I know I have been through so much with the IVF, the pregnancy being as rough as it was and then the trauma and the aftermath. I try so hard to be a good mother.
“I now know that I am not a bad mother, I was sick”
“What is a good mother?”
How do you define what a good mother is? If you know please tell me.
We can only take on one hurdle at a time and we can only face one fear at a time or we will burn out. You are doing the best you can even if it doesn’t feel that way!
This is for all those Mums and Dads who have took the time to read this. Don’t give up, You will make mistakes, you will feel like running away at times. You will question yourself and ask yourself, am I good enough. The answer to that is YES you are, it really is okay to feel this way. We all have at some point and this does not make you an awful parent!
Anxiety is one of the most difficult things to deal with. Always worrying what if and should I do this? Am I doing the right thing? This will happen if I do that, I know it will! The feeling that people are always looking at you.
It is awful.
I try to push myself, tell myself I can and will do this. Sometimes I feel like hiding away myself, with a box of chocolates, watch vampire diaries on repeat and have a duvet day. If only! It takes courage to walk out that door when you feel this way, it is okay to change your mind. There will be people in your life that don’t understand it. I have lost a friend and at times had to explain to my family that, you know what this is hard I need your support and less of your negative comments. It took me four years to get to this point. So please when I say the above and make it sound easy , it is not.
I have leant though by cutting out the negative things/people while I focus on myself is the best way forward.
“Since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia life’s been even harder, atleast I have a diagnosis now, coming next.”