If you follow my blog you will know I had an awful time throughout my pregnancy, trying to get pregnant and having IVF, the birth was just horrendous. My birth
I was diagnosed with PTSD and PND.
I first suffered with anxiety the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to go out, scared to be in a crowd!
What if someone knocks me, I use to say!
I was a mess, I couldn’t sleep because I spent all night laying there staring at the ceiling thinking what if!
It turned into, oh god did we make a mistake, should I have had the IVF. I can safely say my little girl is the most important person in my life. I adore her. But I want you to know that it is not always easy, pregnancy that is.
I use to hate people touching my bump. I use to read labels on my food to make sure it didn’t have anything in there that I shouldn’t have whilst pregnant. I wouldn’t let anyone cook for me, it was awful.
When she arrived, I had such a mixture of feelings. But skipping forward …..as I’ve spoken a lot about my experience previously and I don’t want to bore you.
I remember the first time I took her out I gripped the buggy so tight. I was scared someone would take her. If someone peered in the buggy to take a peak I held my breathe until they dissappeared. When they did it was like I could breathe again. The same thing happened when I had appointments and had to leave her with family or hubby. I couldn’t cope.
It was like her first years were about jumping over hurdles and my life was going from one extreme to another.
I thought a year on my anxiety would of ceased and the paranoia, but no!
As you know if you read my blog, I was diagnosed with PTSD and PND. I started to get my back up easily. I thought that everyone had an agenda if they disagreed with me. It was awful, to the point I just didn’t want to socialise. I wanted to hide away in my house. Safe and away from the opinions of the World. All this due to not being heard in my pregnancy and birth.
Two years on there really was no change. When it came to year three I became very low, suicidal and just a mess. Someone would stare at me in the street and I’d think what’s wrong with me.
It was awful, I didn’t want to be like this……
I sort help via my GP and was placed on meds which have helped take me from zero. The anxiety and paranoia are still with me but I push myself more. Last year I took a two hour train ride alone to visit a friend, that was a first for me.
Little things like saying hello to people, even though I really didn’t want to get into conversation in case they asked or spoke about something I didn’t know or like.
I went from working 10-12 hour shifts in the NHS to going on mat leave then being at home, due to my physical and mental health after my birth. It was hard to get back out into the world.
I think I’ve learnt that I can trust certain people now. Surely they all can’t have some sort of agenda and I know now some actually care about my wellbeing.
My confidence is building again and I’m going to hopefully keep pushing myself. I admit some days, I can’t I just want to hide under my duvet. More to do with my physical health though. Which I will talk about in my next blog post.
I know now that those days won’t last.
If you suffer with Anxiety please know your not alone. It sounds like a cliché I know. Plus you do feel alone as some people just do not understand. But I have met some wonderfully supportive people whilst blogging and found that there are some nice people out there that actually do want to help. I wish you the best with your journey. x
Next blog – My diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue.