So I haven’t been blogging as much lately, things have been hectic. It has felt like a real whirlwind.
2018 was a hard year for me. We left my home town and moved to a place where I don’t know anyone, to the countryside. It was quite lonely at first. Especially when my little one started nursery. I became very low, too low. I was in a very dark place. I sort help via my GP, who I didn’t really know at the time. Turns out she is very supportive, which is more than I can say about the doctors back home. Finally someone who listens and makes me feel less anxious!
She gave me lots of info on what help is around, near to where we live. She gave me some medication which I was reluctant to take, but after talking it through with her she advised me that it was the best thing at that time. I was having suicidal thoughts and as I said, I was very low.
Three months of taking the medicatiom I felt no change really, I felt like I was plodding along through life. I had yet another appointment and she upped my meds, three months on and things were better. No more suicidal thoughts.
Six months on and I acually felt happier. They gave me the chance to focus on what I wanted to do in life. They took me from zero. They gave me a boost. I was also diagnosed with chronic fatigue, B12, Vit D deficiency and Fibromyalgia, so it’s not been a great year for my health. But I am working on it.
My anxiety has been quite bad, I was shown an Excercise that meant putting my hand in front of my face when I felt anxious, I was told to closed my eyes and imagine that I could blow my hand away. Then I was told to open my eyes and look at all the possibilities around me now. It actually has worked sometimes. I know it may not work for everyone but it helps when I am anxious and having my palpitations, to help me remain calm, at least.
Anxiety really does suck, there is so much pressure on us as an individual today. Be it, being a parent, a student, a school child.
How we look!
How we teach!
What we know!
It is awful that there is so much peer pressure. For me I find there is so much pressure to be the perfect parent, or seen to be at least. That may be my fault, because I care what people think. But why do people judge and gossip about other parents when they are having a bad day. We cannot and will not always get it right. The same goes for boys and girls. The peer pressure surrounding their looks. We go through school and try to fit in, then grow up and want to be different. Life is funny! It’s damn hard I know that.
Stigma will never leave us. No matter how hard we try or advocate. We can only educate and hope for the best. Some may disagree and that’s okay.
Anyway getting back to me.
I finally got settled at home and I got use to the fact my daughter wanted to go to nursery, she loves it. She made friends. I got to know one or two of the mums. I started to chat and eventually it turned into having a coffee which helped me get out of the house.
I then went on to find my dream role, helping people who suffer with their perinatal mental health. I am and will always want to care for people in some way. I couldn’t go back to the NHS after what happened to me, so this was perfect. I throughly enjoy it.
As for me and my little one. I will never be able to let the guilt go, that forst year I will never get back. But she is amazing, she is bright, she is confident and I had a big part in that.
We also got to enjoy a trip to Disney this year. We haven’t had a family holiday in a long long time and it was amazing
Four years on, it’s had its up and downs but I am going to hopefully dance towards year five. Rather than plod along. This year I also managed to not drag out the box of baby stuff and sit and cry, whilst thinking about what could of been. Instead I am, for the first time looking forward. I still have bad days but I am trying my best to make those days better.