I did something, I’m surprised I had the courage to do. I have been struggling lately. I think it’s because it’s coming up to the anniversary of my traumatic birth experience and it is making my emotions a little more heightened, or I am just adjusting to living in a rural area instead of a busy town. My daughter is going to nursery to, it’s like loosing your right arm.
I haven’t been sleeping and my moods have been all over the place. I’ve been low and then angry.
I’ve been feeling this awful panicked feeling. I again have been lying awake at night wondering what if?
What if that happens, what would I do?
I have had a horrible lingering thought about something happening to my daughter. I go through every worst-case scenario and visualise what I would do to prevent it from happening. It is very draining.
I am thinking of going to see a new therapist because mine is all the way back home. I feel like it will be a pain though as I’ll have to start from the beginning. But after confiding in my husband he feels it will help. I’m so anxious. Jumping at the most random things. I’ve been very anxious about this trip to London with a friend.
I lay awake all night and I am exhausted. I was sick this morning because my IBS went through the roof. My husband dropped me off at the train station and it is the first time I have ever caught the train by myself. I did suffer with blackouts and I never wanted to travel alone. I am over them now and have been for years. But it plays on my mind.
I sat waiting for the train to come and it arrived late. I got on, found a seat and thought to myself, this isn’t that bad. I opened my Kindle to relax. Half way through the journey I came over very anxious again. I felt sick and couldn’t sit still. I was looking around. I just wanted to get off and go home. All because of an announcement which said to report suspicious activity and not to leave your bag. I started picturing all these awful things happening. Anxiety sucks. It truly does. All I could think about is what I’d do in that situation. It sucks.
London is a place that’s never massively appealed to me because it is so busy, my worst nightmare. So many great shops and restaurants to enjoy. Spoiled by the fact I’m terrified to enjoy them.
Anxiety truly is an awful thing. I have this oil that a friend brought me to try out. I must try it, I’ll let you know how I get on with it.
I must have all the things I may need with me and I check at least five times. I must have mints to take the sick feeling away. It also stops me biting my cheeks and grinding my teeth. I sweat when I’m anxious, so wearing the right clothing on a day out is a must. I must carry a bottle of water and some sweets, anything sugary. When I start to panic I feel faint. Sometimes I give up completely and say, nope I can’t go.
I’m hoping this will go away at some point in my life. I feel less anxious when I am with my husband because he only has to look at me and he knows when I am uncomfortable. He takes my mind off it. He always prepares what we are doing and talks me through it. He is very understanding.
Support is key when we suffer with anxiety. Just remember that anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. We all deal with it in our own individual way. 💚