Considering I have been sharing my most personal experiences with you over the last year or so. There is something I have never really had the courage to talk about. Scared of the stigma surrounding it I guess.
I started self harming when I was younger. My sister had been diagnosed with cancer at the age of twelve, I was fourteen. I couldn’t cope, I didn’t know how to. We suddenly went from this close family who ate together every night at tea time to this big mess. Both parents stayed in the children’s hospital with her during her recovery and I was at home, my Aunt came to stay.
I never felt more alone.
I was so depressed and alone that the only way I found release was to cut myself. I hid it with long jumpers. To this day they still don’t know. A teacher found them during PE but never said anything except ‘ Whats that’ that was it. I had no support from the school. I started to fall behind. Maybe it’s my fault because I never reached out. I didn’t know how to.
Moving forward now to when I met my husband, He was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He truly is my rock. It wasn’t love at first sight but hey I married him.
We decided it was time to try for baby and as you know we found out I couldn’t conceive. I was broken. Why me? Shortly after that My Pap passed away, he was the most important person in my life. I felt distraught. Once we had my paps funeral, we received a letter to go see the gynaecologist. We were told IVF is the only way. We decided to go for it. I was lucky in that the IVF worked and I fell pregnant. But I started to question how? Did my pap leave me to go up there and have a word to help us conceive this miracle. To some people this may sound ridiculous but I started to fully believe I had to have something important taken away from me so that I could have my baby. I became very low. Followed by very scared of loosing my baby.
The pregnancy was horrendous and the birth even worse. I nearly died having my baby. I generally felt like I was not meant to be a mother or be happy. I wrote about my experience surrounding this here. The worst and Happiest day of my life.
The self harming started again. It was the only way I found release. I would wash the dishes and even imagine cutting myself, it was all I could think about. When I was out driving I imagined driving into a tree. I could not cope. I laid awake at night imagining what I would do, how I would do it. Cutting myself became the only way I felt release.
So I sort help. I was so anxious to sit in that room opposite some person I didn’t know. Being expected to tell them that I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to stop.
It took time to bring my wall down. But I got there. It really is not an easy process. You have to make sure you are comfortable and ready. But it was the best thing I ever did. She helped me to see things differently. To sit and process the thought I was having at that time differently. How to focus on something else in that moment. It has not been an easy ride. I don’t expect it to be plain sailing from here but I can only keep trying and so can you. x
I feel I will always be working on my trauma. As I never had time to process and recover from one loss before another had happened.
Time is a great healer my Nan says. Maybe she is right.
To all you beautiful people, I just want to say that you deserve to recover and you are worthy of other people’s time. That we can get through this together. x
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Thank you xxx