I have been very up and down over the last few months. It’s been difficult living somewhere new.
Somewhere I don’t know anyone. I had the house to deal with when we first moved here, it kept me busy and took my mind off things. I had lots to sort out. When my little one started nursery, I think it started then. It was quiet in the house. I had more time to think. No routine, no one to keep me preoccupied.
It got quite bad, I was having awful thoughts. It got to the point, I felt I had no purpose. She was at nursery, what can I do now? I started thinking about when she goes to school. She won’t need me anymore. I know now she will always need me though.
I have thought about what I wanted to do career wise. I can’t go back to what I knew, the NHS. After what happened. I just can’t. I have lost faith and would feel a hypocrite.
But there was only so much cleaning I could do in a morning, with her being at nursery. I decided to find a part time job. It didn’t last long as they wanted me to work every weekend and I wanted time as a family so I gave up. I felt I failed at that too. Let alone feeling like I failed at being a mum.
She deserved so much more in the begining. My mind started spinning and I went on a downward spiral. I went to the doctors and ended up on anti depressants I have had two Increases since to help balance my emotions. She mentioned counselling again and at first I swept it under the carpet.
I don’t want to feel like I am going backwards. But I became irritable and wasn’t sleeping. I felt like I had no control over myself anymore. I wanted to curl up under the duvet and not come out.
‘I wanted to die’
I thought that would be the only way I would be at peace. I felt like I had so much noise in my head, that I had no time to think or just be. It was like I wanted a break from my own mind.
It’s so exhausting.
It’s like a busy traffic jam in my head. Like a hurracaine or sometimes an explosion. The only time there is any escape is when I eventually fall asleep. Insomnia is the worst, laying awake tossing and turning. Sometimes to stressed to even lay still.
It sometimes feels like I’m a kettle slowly boiling and ready to let off steam. But I can’t. So I keep it inside or write it down. I know getting help is key, support makes such a difference. I guess I’ve realised that I may need more support at certain times, throughout my recovery. There may be weeks, months that I’m ok but there may be weeks and months that I’m not. Having that support network in place just incase helps. Or at least knowing what’s out there.
Everyday I was waking up I had suicidal thoughts. From the moment I woke until I went to bed. They’d be better off without me I told myself! I’d be at peace too.
I looked at my little girl and thought to myself, I don’t want her to grow up always wondering if mummy was ok. I am a believer that it’s good for our children to understand emotions and not grow up thinking everything is rosey. But I also don’t want her growing up wondering what mood Is mummy in today.
I started worrying that she might think it’s her fault. Will she think I never wanted her or what if she thinks I blame her. There was no escape.
Always ‘What If’
So I went to see a counsellor and I guess we will see how things go. I think it’s ok to ask for help even if you may think it’s taking a step back. Having a mental illness is hard work and I think it never leaves you. We learn to deal with it. Sometimes things become too much and we have to take time to focus on ourselves.
Easier said than done, I know. But it’s worth taking as much time as you can, to have time to yourself.
It’s ok to ask for help,when ready. It’s said alot, it feels sh*t but ‘it’s ok to not be ok’