Post-traumatic stress disorder
Borderline personality disorder
Obsessive compulsive disorder
With every mental illness we spend most days fighting with our own mind. Trying to get through the bad days and prolong the good. I sometimes go over conversations iv’e had with certain people, I get so anxious, did I say something I shouldn’t have? It then spirals and I think that’s it, they wont speak to me again or what if they think i’m horrible?
Sometimes my mind goes round and round, so much at night. Over analysing everything. Before I know it I hear my alarm go off and it’s morning. Have you ever done that? Laid awake for hours, tossed and turned. Gone through every word that was exchanged in a certain conversation, that you end up with no sleep and wake up feeling exhausted.
Exhausted from the lack of sleep and exhausted from going over and over the same thought.
I have had days where I have asked my husband the same question over and over. I still believe he is only saying what I want to hear at times. Having a mental illness plays with your mind. It can make you paranoid and over anxious.
Does he love me?
Will he get fed up and leave me, because he may want someone normal.
I mean what is normal these days……..
I guess I mean someone that hasn’t relived her trauma over and over. Someone who hasn’t had suicidal thoughts and self harmed. Someone who isn’t paranoid and anxious.
Someone who’s emotions are balanced instead of changing hour to hour.
Someone who doesn’t spend some days crying and worrying. Someone who doesn’t have days of thinking to pack a bag and run away.
Hey I wish I felt normal………
I want to say I am in recovery, I still have bad days even now. Days where I feel I have taken two steps back. I’m back in that hospital, flashbacks and anger and hurt.
Most of all guilt.
I’m not the confident, outgoing person I was. I’m reserved when meeting people, but I am strong.
I’m not outgoing but I am still caring.
I’m brave, not scared.
I’m not scared because I have found my voice, when for so long I lost it. I remained silent. Worrying what people may say.
I was scared
I felt alone
I wanted to die
I wanted it to end.
I found support, which I still need.
I now feel that our mind is the most important part of our body, after all if we are not happy on the inside it will eventually reflect on the outside.
It is something I have learnt to except. I must look after myself, give myself time to heal on the bad days and reach out if I need to. My mental illness has emotionally and physically drained me. It effects both.
It has made me stronger
It has made me have a different outlook on life.
I am putting myself and my family first.
I am determined and brave.
I am not the same person, that person has gone.
I am better.
Better because I have had to be strong.