I have contemplated for ages, if I should return to work. I couldn’t go back to the NHS after what had happened. I lost my passion and faith in it. So I thought about finding a little part time job where I can just go and come home. Not have to worry about bringing the work home with me.
It was kind of like having an angel and devil on my shoulders. I thought of pros and cons, it went on for ages.
Time away from the house and being mum.
Loosing out on time with my little one. They don’t stay little forever and I missed out on her first year.
Having to tell people why I didn’t go back to work.
Putting a smile on if I’m having a bad day.
I’m exhausted now and have no time to myself. I’ll be adding more pressure.
No family time as it will beweekends I am working.
I can barely keep up with the house work and looking after little miss and everything else now. It’s exhausting and a full time job being a parent with a toddler.
Walking in to a room full of strangers, wondering what they really think of me. All I can think is, my anxiety will hit the roof.
Will I be able to control my mood swings if someone says something I don’t like. If I’m having a bad day.
All what if’s????
I laid awake most nights wondering if I was making the right decision.
I decided I should at least try and go for it. I started work in a retail store on a weekend.
Slowly I have become low as I am missing out on family time. Hubby works 6-7pm and our little one goes to bed at 730-8pm. So I’m now in a predicament. We are very lucky that I don’t have to work as we can get by on my husbands wage.
Do I do what’s best for me and my family and just put work aside, focus on us. I went through this thought process over and over again.
I finally thought to myself. I am 30 years old and I won’t get to have another child after the trauma. She is my everything and I won’t get to do it all again. She will get to a certain age where she won’t want to come on family holidays and spend time with me. So what am I doing?
Then I thought, there are people out there who don’t have a choice and have to work and leave their little one with daddy or grandparents.
But then have they been through what I have? Do they feel how I feel?
It took so much to get pregnant with the IVF, the pregnancy was awful with the severe morning sickness and PGP plus more… Then of course my traumatic birth.
I nearly died and she nearly didn’t have me hear. I started to look at it differently. I am lucky to have her, I am lucky to be here. Why am I wasting my time trying to please others, because I feel guilty. When I should for once focus on me. What do I want for a change, be selfish for a change.
My husband has been very supportive and in no way said to me that I need to work. He stands by me in what ever decision I make, I couldn’t ask for more.
I decided that I might do some courses at home in journalism, as that’s what I want to do. I love to write. I want to focus on releasing my book, in my spare time and at the weekend spend time as a family.
It’s the first few years that we will remember and look back on. I don’t want to regret it and look back and think, what if I did this differently? Like I have been the last three years, regarding my birth…. The guilt never leaves you. I don’t want to add to it.
I guess what I am trying to say is if you are in a situation where you think what if? How can I please everyone? Then don’t. Do what’s best for you, your family.
Don’t live a life where you may one day look back and have regrets. Live your life how you want to live it. It may not be easy but you can at least look back and say, you know what I tried and I did what I wanted to do.