International Fathers Mental Health Day:Your My Rock

I am writing this for the National Father’s Mental Health Day. My husband has truly been my rock.

But who has been there for him?

It’s a question that has gone round my head a lot since. I would now class my self in recovery from my mental illness. I was diagnosed with PTSD and PND after a traumatic birth.

I have shared my birth experience previously and you can read about it here Our Story the more I look back the more I realise just how much my husband also suffered. He not only nearly lost his wife and had to take care of me as I was completely bed bound. He also had to take care of our newborn baby alone.

He once said to me that he didn’t have time to feel or think about how he felt, or let his emotions get in the way as he felt he had to be strong for me and our baby.

He was and still is my rock.

I ask him questions as my memory is hazy because of the trauma. He finds it difficult to talk about it even now. I can tell it’s hard for him. I was never asked about my mental health pre or post-natal. Neither was my husband. Looking back even after everything that happened not one doctor or midwife took him aside and asked how he was feeling. How he was coping with being a new father. I really do feel that focus should be on both parents during and after pregnancy.

Not one midwife showed him how to prepare a bottle as I couldn’t breast feed due to the trauma. No one showed him how to change a nappy or how to hold our baby. I know to some this is a second nature but to some it is not. He was lucky as he had a younger brother growing up. But he still should of received some support.

They just left him to it. Some men feel they cannot show their emotions through fear of being seen as weak.

Not macho enough.

Not man enough.

I hear the phrase ‘JUST MAN UP’ to often.

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It takes so much courage and strength to talk about how we feel man or women. It does not make us any less of a man or women to get help and speak up about how we feel.

How are you coping? It should be a generic question that every parent is asked. Pre-natal and post-natal. It is thought that 1 in 3 fathers suffer with a form of mental illness. One in ten suffer from PND. PTSD can also play a part if the father was at the birth and witnessed their partner go through a traumatic time.

It certainly puts a strain on your relationship as it’s a very stressful time. Not only becoming a parent but dealing with a mental illness and all these mixed emotions. Support is key for both of you. My counsellor once said to me that you can only be strong for someone if you help yourself. You cannot function on empty, you need to take care of yourself first. It struck a cord with me and I remind myself when I am feeling low that I need to take a step back and take time out for me. I tell my husband to do the same.

My husband supported me through the worst experience of my life and still supports me to this day.

I often ask myself who was there to support him. I wish the stigma surrounding men coming forward and seeking help for their mental well being would reduce. It is thought that the suicide rate is higher in men than women. If you feel that you need to talk to someone privately about the way you are feeling please don’t hesitate to ask for help when you are ready.

Samaritans

Mind

Pandas

Calm

People like Mark Williams FMH, @DrAndyMayers and Rosey-PNDandME do so much to help raise awareness for mental health and Rosey hosts a chat on a Wednesday at 8:00 pm GBT. Where fathers and mothers are welcome to talk or listen to what other people suffering with Perinatal mental health have to say.

When you go through IVF and the birth experience I did you truly realise how strong your marriage is. Having that person support you day in and day out. They see the darkest, most terrifying side of you. Telling the person you love, the person you had planned to spend the rest of your life with that you want to die. Because the pain is too much. It is a lot for any partner to deal with.

Once a mother has been diagnosed with a mental illness there is no support for the father. I can appreciate there are not enough resources as it is, but wouldn’t it be great if both parents were asked that simple question of, ‘how are you coping’ throughout pregnancy and after. To get fathers talking, to help them realise they are just as important, that they don’t have to put on a brave face and deal with their mental well being in silence.

As silence can be deadly.

Please know you are not weak for excepting that you need some support. Please don’t suffer alone.

We don’t realise how strong we are until being strong is all we have.

If you think your husband is struggling these may be the symptoms to look out for:

  • Feeling very low, or despondent, that life is a long, grey tunnel, and that there is no hope. Feeling tired and very lethargic, or even quite numb. Not wanting to do anything or take an interest in the outside world.
  • Feeling a sense of inadequacy or unable to cope.
  • Feeling guilty about not coping, or about not loving their baby enough.
  • Being unusually irritable, which makes the guilt worse.
  • Wanting to cry/crying a lot or even constantly.
  • Having obsessive and irrational thoughts which can be very scary.
  • Loss of appetite, which may go with feeling hungry all the time, but being unable to eat.
  • Comfort eating.
  • Having difficulty sleeping: either not getting to sleep, waking early, or having vivid nightmares.
  • Being hostile or indifferent to their partner and/or baby.
  • Having panic attacks, which strike at any time, causing a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms and feelings of sickness or faintness.
  • Having an overpowering anxiety, often about things that wouldn’t normally bother them, such as being alone in the house.
  • Having difficulty in concentrating or making decisions.
  • Experiencing physical symptoms, such as headaches.
  • Having obsessive fears about baby’s health or wellbeing, or about themselves and other members of the family.
  • Having disturbing thoughts about harming themselves or their baby.

Please seek help and support if you need it, it doesn’t make you weak. 💚

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2 comments

  1. I completely agree with what you are saying, the mental health of both parents is so important and sadly men can be left out. I’ve watched my boyfriend/ Babies Dad experience this a lot while I’ve been pregnant and he’s worried and unsure about a lot of things and I don’t think he is coping very well. He’s not willing to seek help and he isn’t willing to admit that there’s anything wrong with him but He isn’t the same anymore. He seems very depressed and he takes little interest in appointments/scans/classes and I’m not sure what I can do except let it run it’s course and see if he gets better
    If you have any advice I’d be so thankful. You and your husband are so strong. Your story is so eye opening.
    http://www.broquemamma.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I think the only thing u can do is sit down with him and ask him if he is OK and if not you say u are there to listen and won’t judge him. I know u won’t but sometimes they need to hear it. My hubby said he felt like he had to be strong for me. Then it’s up to him to speak when he is ready. It’s hard for u as your in the outside looking in. You have to look after yourself and baby To. There really are some great communities out there. If he likes social media. @MarkWilliamsFMH and @isabloguk are great at talking about there experiences and have great blogs and mark has a book out. Xx if I can help with anything else let me know . XxTake care just remember u are doing the best u can and sometimes being there to listen is enough. But look after u to xx

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