I guess if your reading this you are struggling or have struggled with your mental health.
In the early days I had so many mixed emotions and felt so isolated.
I suffer with PND, PTSD and anxiety issues. A Lot of it came from the traumatic birth, fertility issues and the rough pregnancy I had. You can read about that here My Story
I guess I just wanted to tell you that everyday will be an effort, an effort to want to get out of bed and carry on. You may be feeling low and some days you will feel like you have taken two steps forward and five back.
Nobody said this to me in the beginning. Nobody told me that it’s ok to feel how I did. So hurt turned to anger and guilt. I felt guilty for not being the mum I imagined to be. I felt so much anger at the people that caused it.
I just wanted to say that it is Ok to feel angry, upset, low, guilty, distraught, lost and isolated. The Important thing is to feel supported. You need to find someone who will listen. You don’t need to find someone who you think will give good advice, just getting everything off your chest, is such a release.
I took to writing and it helped me massively. You don’t have to be a great writer, just writing down how you feel. Write down what you did that day and how it made you feel. You may be able to tell if something triggers certain emotions. For me it is being in group situations. As everybody always asks, ‘when are you having another?’
It makes me feel like a failure and my emotions spiral out of control. My mind races and my anxiety goes through the roof as I worry what they will think of me if I say, I’m not.
I want to tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. It took me years to realise that. It wasn’t my fault. What happened to me, wasn’t because I wasn’t meant to be a mother.
Its not my fault, because of the trauma I experienced, I ended up with a mental illness. It took me months to accept I needed help. Not only to be the mum I wanted to be. But for me to feel happy again or at least like a human being and not an empty shell.
Getting help was the best thing I did. It was my time, where I wasn’t a mum and wife, I was just me and I was able to say what I really felt.
I talk to my husband and he is very supportive but its different talking to a stranger. You don’t have to feel guilty for just getting everything off your chest, as that’s what there being paid for.
I just want to say that there will be bad days and good, there are so many support networks out there via social media or online, confidentially if you can’t get out or feel you would prefer to speak in the comfort of your own home.
If you have a day where you don’t want to get dressed and just feel like you can’t handle the day, that’s Ok. We are all entitled to a bad day. Sometimes it becomes to much. Just make sure you have support.
Reaching out, when your ready. Even if it’s a facetime chat or a phone call. Don’t suffer in silence I did that and I’ve realised I have my days where I want to be alone for a bit, but I soon realised I felt so much better just chatting to someone, someone that I knew wouldn’t mind me just calling or texting them saying, I’m having a sh*t day.
They would send me funny cat videos.
you will have to face a lot, when you suffer with a mental illness and as I said guilt will play a major part;
‘Am I a bad parent?’
‘Why couldn’t I be the parent I wanted to be?’
‘Why can’t I go out with my mates? Anxiety sucks’
‘Why can’t I go out today?’
‘I’m to scared to leave the house’
‘Am I a burden?’
‘They will think I’m miserable,so I’ll just stay in’
A million thoughts will go through your head daily, maybe even hourly. Just know, no matter what thoughts are going through your mind that it doesn’t make you a bad parent or a bad person or even a bad friend.
you need to find your own personal way to cope.
Writing your thoughts down.
Write one thing your proud of each day.
Reading a book.
Go for a walk.
listen to some music or meditation tapes.
Join a support group.
Go for a coffee and a bit of window shopping. Treat yourself every month to something little.
Most importantly know that you will step on many stepping stones and you may take a few steps back, you will have bad days and some good. But know, with the right support you don’t have to do it alone. Fighting this alone and Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do. Even if it feels like the right thing to do. I wish you luck and send virtual hugs.
Know that you are Strong for fighting this every day, even if you don’t feel like you are.