I sat and gave this some thought. It’s hard to think about what your proud of about yourself when you spend most days trying to make it through the day. Some days your upset and angry because you think about all the things you missed out on and there’s days when you are happy but sit and feel hurt about the days you weren’t happy. Having a mental illness is like a war going off in your own mind. You sometimes feel like your fighting a never ending battle.
I sat and thought about what I am most proud about since becoming a mother.
There must be something right.
Then I took one look at my little girl and thought;
1) She is the person she is today because of me. I am at home with her all day everyday since she was months old and she’s still here in one piece, fed, clothed and happy.
2) She has reached all her mile stones. It may seem silly but that makes me happy.
3) She saw me crying and told me not be be sad and that she loved me. I have raised a caring, empathetic daughter.
4) She turned to me and told me she was proud of me. We were sat on the sofa and she grabbed my face and said ‘mummy I’m so proud of you’ I cried and gave her a big hug. It shows me that she loves me and that she takes it in when I say I’m proud of her. She doesn’t just pick up on the negatives.
5) I managed to accept that I needed help and stuck with it. It was the best thing I did. I’ve never been good at opening up to people. I was always the agony aunt. Which is ironic, now that I blog about my most personal experiences.
6) I put this blog together to help other people suffering. Even though I’m not a successful blogger, recieving the emails from people saying that my blog post helped them. Having people ask for my advice, shows that I am making even a Small difference.
Which is what I wanted. Back in the day, when I sat at home and felt alone. I wanted to focus on helping other people that may be feeling that way.
7) Having my first piece published with the Huffington post and the happiful magazine. I was proud because the awareness I was trying to raise was out there. PTSD via birth trauma isn’t spoken about enough.
8) Managing to realise I needed time out. It took alot for me to walk out that door and leave her with hubby or my Mother in law. I felt sick with worry. I knew deep down she would be fine. I guess the PTSD clouds your judgement.
I had every worse case scenerio going through my head, I was even more worried because I wasn’t there. But after a while I realised she was fine and noticed that I was enjoying having a Cuppa on my own or going to the bathroom alone. Walking around a shop peacefully or going for a walk and having time to think. I went along to an Excercise class and started sleeping better.
9) Realising that my daughter is better off with me in her life than without. That I was meant to be a mother despite everything that has been thrown at us.
10) Cutting out the negative people in my life. People that didn’t understand and told me to get over it as there’s worse things that could of happened.
I decided To focus on my family and myself. To stop putting others first when it had a negative impact on myself.
How about you what are you most proud of about yourself since you found out you are suffering with a mental illness?