Me At My Worst: I Felt Like I Couldn’t Cope.

The earlier days, were some of the worst.

Where do I start?

Some people that suffer with a mental illness feel like everyday is a bad day. Some feel like they can never escape it.

I didn’t sleep well. I struggled to get up in morning. My Daughter woke me up at 6:00 am. I was exhausted from lying awake all night, starring at the ceiling. Thinking about what world she would grow up in.

What would I do if she got hurt or attacked?

What would I do if somebody took her?

I started planning and going over in my head what I would do, step by step. It was 12:45 am, the last time I glanced at the clock. ‘What am I doing’ I asked myself.

I started to think, maybe they would be better without me. I wouldn’t have this awful feeling of guilt and disappointment, for things not going the way I planned them to.

‘ The perfect Pregnancy and birth’ I now realise there is no such thing.

I get up and get her breakfast. She has her first tantrum of the day as she wanted Marmite instead of peanut butter on her toast. I close my eyes and count to ten. I then remake her toast, for peace and quiet.

I just go to sit down with a cup of tea and she needs to go to the toilet. By the time she has stopped messing about and been to the toilet, my tea is cold. I give up, no point even bothering to remake it. I try to get her dressed after breakfast and even that is an effort. All I want to do is cry and lay in bed, put the sheet over my head and block the world out.

After the fifth time of chasing her round her bedroom, I bribe her with cake. She finally wants to get dressed. I am a bad mum, I know. But am I?

I sometimes choose to make my day easier by giving in and that is OK. So what if she has cake and chocolate in the same day. It meant I got through the day without breaking down in tears and giving up.

I took her food shopping and she was just on one, she screamed as she wanted to go home. She didn’t want to go in the trolley. This person tutted at me, as I was in the way of what she wanted to get to. I imagined myself ripping her head off. I felt like screaming at her in the isle. I felt like a boiling kettle, this feeling continued all day.

I never said anything I just smiled at her and continued shopping.

I got home and put the shopping away. I put on a DVD and made lunch for her. I had to put the washing on and fold the washing that had been in the dryer. I stood in the kitchen starring out the window, my cat came up to me, meowing for lunch. I opened the draw and looked at the cuttlery, thinking how easy it would be to just end it. I shook my head and told myself to stop it. ‘I’m fine’

Hubby came home from work and was in a grump because he had a rubbish day. I’ve got to the point where I had no sympathy as I had nothing left to give emotionally.

I was emotionally drained.

Dinner and the night time routine came around quickly. When I finally sat down to watch an episode of criminal minds and have a cuppa, I was so tired. I got into bed hoping that I’d get a good night’s sleep this time. Well I didn’t, all I did was cry.

I’d lay there crying wondering how to take my own life. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? Should I just drive my car into a tree or should I jump or take some pills. I’d lay there contemplating how much better off they would be. I thought about how peaceful my mind would finally be.

The hurt and anger would be gone.

The disappointment and guilt.

This feeling of doing everything I can to be a great mum, but feeling like the worst. I’d lay there until my husband’s alarm went off for work and the day started all over again.

It sometimes felt like I was standing on the outside looking in at my life.

Support is key when you suffer with a mental illness. The days are long and emotionally and physically draining without it. Don’t be ashamed to tell your story and get help when you are ready. If you find you have taken two steps back, don’t worry. We are not super human. We are however strong for getting up every day and dealing with our mental health. There will be bad days and it will be hard at times. It will not be an easy journey. There may not be an end, only a beginning to a new chapter, of support and help.

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Everyone is welcome to join in these chats, even if you haven’t been given a diagnosis yet, that doesn’t matter. If you are struggling, join in .You can just sit and see what people have to say. Sometimes it makes us feel less isolated. People tell their story and tell us what helped them along the way. It may just help you. We support each other.

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