I did something, I’m surprised I had the courage to do. I have been struggling lately. I think it’s because it’s coming up to the anniversary of my traumatic experience and that is making my emotions a little more Heightened, or I am just adjusting to living in a rural area instead of a busy town. My daughter is going to nursery to, it’s like loosing your right arm.

I haven’t been sleeping and my moods have been all over the place. I’ve been low and then angry.
I’ve been feeling this awful panicked feeling. I again have been lying awake at night wondering what if?

What if that happens, what would I do?

I have had a horrible lingering thought about something happening to my daughter. I go through every worst-case scenario and visualise what I would do to prevent it from happening. It is very draining.

I am thinking of going to see a new therapist because mine is all the way back home. I feel like it will be a pain though as I’ll have to start from the beginning. But after confiding in my husband he feels it will help. I’m so anxious. Jumping at the most random things. I’ve been very anxious about this trip to London with a friend.

I lay awake all night and I am exhausted. I was sick this morning because my IBS went through the roof. My husband dropped me off at the train station and it is the first time I have ever caught the train by myself. I did suffer with blackouts and I never wanted to travel alone. I am over them now and have been for years. But it plays on my mind.

I sat waiting for the train to come and it arrived late. I got on, found a seat and thought to myself, this isn’t that bad. I opened my Kindle to relax. Half way through the journey I came over very anxious again. I felt sick and couldn’t sit still. I was looking around. I just wanted to get off and go home. All because of an announcement which said to report suspicious activity and not to leave your bag. I started picturing all these awful things happening. Anxiety sucks. It truly does. All I could think about is what I’d do in that situation. It sucks.

London is a place that’s never massively appealed to me because it is so busy, my worst nightmare. So many great shops and restaurants to enjoy. Spoiled by the fact I’m terrified to enjoy them.
Anxiety truly is an awful thing. I have this oil that a friend brought me to try out. I must try it, I’ll let you know how I get on with it.

I must have all the things I may need with me and I check at least five times. I must have mints to take the sick feeling away. It also stops me biting my cheeks and grinding my teeth. I sweat when I’m anxious, so wearing the right clothing on a day out is a must. I must carry a bottle of water and some sweets, anything sugary. When I start to panic I feel faint. Sometimes I give up completely and say, nope I can’t go.

I’m hoping this will go away at some point in my life. I feel less anxious when I am with my husband because he only has to look at me and he knows when I am uncomfortable. He takes my mind off it. He always prepares what we are doing and talks me through it. He is very understanding.
Support is key when we suffer with anxiety. Just remember that anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. We all deal with it in our own individual way. 💚

Me, Being Mummy


  1. First of all so proud of you that you took the train👏 And I really know what you are talking about. All from the clothes to the sickness and all the feelings when the anxiety kicks in. To have someone with you that you trust helps a lot, but we can’t have someone holding our hand all the time( I wish we could though ) I thing it’s good for you to start therapy again. Yes it’s hard to start over but will give you some rest from your head I hope❤️ ty hun for sharing all this… hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, your mention of your therapist being “all the way back home” reminded me of a therapist I used to see virtually (i.e. online) via Skype! It was so interesting. I never even met her in person at all. It is kind of like how you would Skype with a friend. If it is something that would make you feel more settled than seeing someone new and starting from the beginning, you might try asking her if she is willing to Skype with you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Aw, I totally understand how you feel. Have had the same feelings my entire life and only realised last year that it was actually anxiety! I also get OCD about making sure I have the right things with me on trips, and always feel sick and feint too. I found meditation really helps me to calm down and use the Headspace app. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Well done for taking the train and getting through it! I’m not a fan of crowded places either and I live in London! When everyone is out crazy shopping during the sales, I make sure I don’t because I just don’t like it!
    I hope the anniversary goes past peacefully, I can understand on that end. My daughter is turning 1 next week and I’m just drowning myself in Birthday preparations so I don’t have to think about how I actually ended up disabled and helpless. Thanks for sharing !
    Soffy //

    Liked by 2 people

    • The first one is very tough. I’d like to say it gets easier but it doesn’t. It’s finding a way to deal with your emotions on the day. Take time out for you, don’t burn yourself out. I hope you both have a lovely day. Just remember if you feel like you need to take a step out and have a cry or just a Cuppa and be alone do it. It’s fine and do not feel guilty for it. 💚 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well done for getting the train to London by yourself Kerry! 💖 That’s very brave – London is such a crazy place, you did so well. I get bad anxiety when I am out of my comfort zone too so can relate to the sick uneasy feeling. You are doing amazingly well, thank you for sharing your experience 😘 xx

    Bexa |

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Bexa. Yeah great place to see things and shop but my gosh it’s so busy, not my cup of tea. I debated coming home many times. 💚 glad I did it though xx

      Liked by 2 people

  6. You sound like a very strong and brave woman to feel the fear and do it anyway. ❤ I often play out disaster scenarios in my head, but I once heard that our mind is like a testing ground for real life and you can play things out to see how they go. i like to think of it like that and just accept that I'm going to play this one out and analyse what my response might be and what I might do, then I'll be that but more prepared if it does happen. It also stops you feeling bad about thinking things. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for this. It’s a good way to think about it really. I may give this ago. I was glad to get home but I’m glad I did it. I must of contemplated turning round to come home many times. Thank you. 💚 x

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I two suffer with anxiety and I know exactly what your going threw! I’m so sorry your experiencing those feelings, I’m not sure if your therapist is able to do this but many allow phone appointments or even video chats hope that helps!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hey, well done on managing to get the train & to overcome those anxieties. Anxiety is a horrible thing & can really grip you & your life. I hope you’re able to find a therapist that’s close by, even if it was starting all over again, it could be a good step forward x

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Oh love, I can feel your pain radiating through this post. Anxiety consumes you and even when you know things are fine, you just can’t convince yourself of that. I’m glad your partner is supportive and I really hope you will be able to work through this soon. I noticed you mentioned yoga, do it! I like yon yoga, you hold deep poses and almost meditate while you do it and it completely flips my perspective.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. my anxiety started 4 years ago after my grandmother passed away.. i tried medication only to get bad side effects from it.. nothing seem to ever work.. someone told me about CBD oil “hemp” i tried it and that seems to work a lot.. im not sure about where you are at that they have that there but you should google it might help you as well. but anxiey is really cripplings.. mine even wakes me up in middle of the night in panic fear mode.. and the whole IBS im too familar with that too!! i never had that issue until the anxiety.. i do feel your pain.. i do not know how to get rid of anxiety

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  11. Thank you so much for sharing this and you done so well, Anxiety is a terrible thing and so mentally and physically draining! Mine tends to flare up If I’m travelling, more so if it’s via public transport. I’ve lived with a Generalised anxiety disorder since my teens and still go through phases of it being very tough so can really relate to this. Lots of love to you xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s an awful illness. I’m sorry you have suffered with it for so long. I find traveling difficult to. Always worrying what if. Xx Thank you.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. So sorry that you’re going through all this but you really hit the nail on the head half way through your post when you say that you ‘imagine’ all the bad things that could happen. Our minds have a wonderful way of giving us a small mental niggle which we then play with – we change the scenario slightly so that it becomes slightly worse, this gives us another niggle and we do the same thing again and so on. Maybe it is something like taking a flight – we imagine the fear and anxiety that we WILL feel before we’ve got anywhere near the plane. We then imagine our fingers tightening on the arm rest, then the fear that we will feel if there is a little turbulence. Then we think about the plane crashing and our imaginations are so good that we actually physically experience the fear and anxiety that we would have should that happen.
    The way to try and deal with this is to take control of your imagination as this is the root of most of our fears. If you picture something bad happening to your daughter, for instance, try to interrupt your thought patterns and, instead, imagine her returning to you safe with a lovely smile on her face and a big hug for you. This will calm your mind and also should give you a physical sense of well-being as the love of our family and friends is usually very comforting to us. If the negative mental picture reappears and you can’t seem to shift your attention from it, try playing a really fun piece of music in your head – something that always makes you smile. With any luck the negative image will at least fade in its intensity and that will give you a chance to refocus on changing your mental pictures. I wish you all the best and hope that life turns around for you x

    Liked by 2 people

  13. You’re right… it completely sucks. Not only does it suck feeling anxious, but it sucks all the energy out of you and the enjoyment out of what you are doing. Keep fighting the good fight though lovely, I usually try and focus on rationalising myself. It’s always comforting to know that someone else nearby is probably thinking and feeling the same way. Then I list things I have achieved that day, no matter how small, and that builds my confidence. And then I reassure myself that I will get home at the end of the day and feel great for accomplishing my tasks, despite the inner struggle that tried to prevent me from doing so. I hope little one has settled into nursery a bit more since we tweeted, and that this next week is a good one for you all. Big love, and thank you for linking up to the #honeybeelinky xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Anxiety is such a horrible feeling! I can relate. I too carry peppermint gum in my purse with me wherever I go to help subside the nauseating feeling that overcomes when anxiety hits me. I must have my water bottle as well to help when my mouth feels dry from the anxiousness. Kudos to you for taking the train! In a crowded space like that, my mind also wanders and tells me that I’m trapped with no exit. It’s a daily struggle and it makes me feel a little better that I’m not alone in this struggle. Hang in there!💖

    Liked by 1 person

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