I am going to share a very personal experience with you. I sometimes wonder why I do it.
Just be aware I am talking about a flashback in depth, I don’t want to cause a trigger for you. 💚
The reason I started blogging is to be open and honest about my experiences. So you hopefully won’t feel alone, suffering with this awful illness.
PTSD is awful;
The intrusive thoughts
Anger and hate
Thats just a few.
Triggers that cause flashbacks are the worst. I am nearly three years on now. I had one of the worst flashbacks I’ve had in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I am tired and emotional or what the reasoning behind it was. It took me by surprise to be honest.
I always Check with my husband before I release anything to make sure he is comfortable with me sharing are most private experiences.
My daughter had finally gone to bed. Hubby and I had some alone time, well I don’t need to spell it out to you. We didn’t get far as I had this god awful flashback. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I see flickering lights when I have them. This is the only way I can explain it. It’s like watching a projector on a screen, you know the flashing of lights it creates.
It’s like watching scene by scene, what happened to me on that bed, in that hospital room. I get this high pitched ringing noise in my ears and my vision is just a blur at times.
I see all their faces, but I can never make out what they are saying.
It’s like I’m standing at a window, looking in and I can see myself laying on the bed, their doing all these things to me to get our baby out. But no matter how much I shout at them through that window, they won’t acknowledge I am there.
I sat up and started crying. My husband has always been supportive. I tried to close my eyes and breathe but I couldn’t switch off and get it out my head.
I stopped my counselling when we moved due to it being miles and hours away. It’s been around 5-6 months I’d say. I have noticed the difference. I’m just glad my husband is supportive in this matter and that he listens to me, trying to explain it to him.
I do miss my counsellor though. she always put it in a different light. I had CBT-congnitive behaviour therapy. It really did help me.
I tried to put it to the back of my mind by telling myself I’m not there now. I’m OK, I’m at home. But it didn’t work this time.
It was several hours after that I managed to get to sleep.
I think a bit of TLC is in order.
I want people to know that no matter where you are in your recovery. If it’s months on, weeks on, years on. You may still have a bad day and come across something that may trigger a flashback.
You haven’t failed and you are Strong for coming this far and fighting it everyday.
Just know that it’s Ok to speak up and talk to someone you trust will listen.
I wrote a poem about my experience with PTSD early on, you can find it here.
Bring on the self care. 💚