I wanted to share my current struggle.
I am terrified of my daughter starting nursery early this year. She is starting with four sessions a week, the minimum.
We didn’t have a great start with nursery life at our first attempt back home. We decided to send her when she was around one and a half. It did not go well. They were awful. I would arrive to pick her up to find her upset, hiding under the table. They said she had been there all day.
I was so angry.
They said she would not come out even for something to eat. The following exchange resulted in me calling him a moron and demanding to know why I wasn’t called in. This was me being polite. I really I wanted to slap the bloke!
She wasn’t sleeping at night and would not get out of bed in the morning. Every time we left the house she would cry and beg me not to take her. I balled my eyes out before dropping her off and in the car on the way back. Safe to say that was the last straw. We took her out and never took her back.
I am hoping we have a better experience with this one.
I am also worried because she keeps me busy during the day and I feel like I am going to be a little lost when she goes. I am worried I will have too much time to think. I’m worried about taking a step back with my depression. I am trying to prepare myself by finding new things to do until I feel ready to return to work. It is as if it has hit me that I’m not going home. We have moved out of town and I have to get use to a quieter life with my friends and family further away.
I feel like I will be stuck in limbo when she goes to nursery even if I am very excited for her. Partly because she needs it, She needs to interact with other children and have new experiences.
She asked me the other day to have another baby because she wants to play with it. I knew it would come one day. I had to try to not let her see the pain I felt at that moment.
I am the reason she won’t have a sibling. Because of the trauma I suffered I can’t face it again. It hit me hard. I now think what purpose will I have when she goes to nursery? Will I be sat twiddling my thumbs?
The thought of someone else taking over and looking after my baby, making sure she eats and drinks and goes to the potty frightens me so much. The thought of them taking her out on school trips when I am not there makes my skin crawl and my anxiety goes through the roof. I have been in bed going through every possible scenario and wondering what I would do if xyz happened.
I think that is one of the worst things about anxiety and PTSD in general. I want to enjoy life and enjoy watching her grow but, at the same time I am terrified and I know that’s a natural thing for a parent to feel. I have spoken with my counsellor about it and she has given me exercise to use, CBT wise.
I would say it helps sometimes.
I have sat and thought about it and I am hoping my experience of her starting nursery here goes well. I don’t think I could handle another bad experience. I still don’t know what I’ll do with myself but I am determined to let her settle and then do something for me. Be it a university course or start a new career.
I plan on joining a few exercise classes.
I can read the books that have been sat there waiting for me to pick them up.
Go for a coffee and finish it.
Go to the toilet on my own and not have a toddler saying ‘can I wipe mummy’
Eat my lunch without little fingers pinching my crisps or half of my sandwich.
Actually sit and maybe watch a film.
Look for a career or job that I can enjoy and start when I’m ready.
Take my blog to the next level, whatever that is.
Most importantly focus on me a little more and cry at the same time as I will miss her so much.
Self care is something I take for granted and I’ve learnt when I don’t look after myself I pay for it.
Here’s to 2018.
Be kind to yourself.
Don’t suffer alone. There are some fantastic support groups out there. #pndhour on a Wednesday. #mentalhealthhour on a Sunday. 💚