Birth Trauma: PTSD And The Decision To Have Another Child. 

This is a sore subject even three years on for my husband and I. I tend to get my back up when someone asks me ‘when are you having another’ and when I reply ‘I’m not’ they ask why. I’m in a place now where I don’t go into too much detail but enough to help them understand. Some will say ‘oh gosh OK I can see why not.’ Others will say ‘I bet you give it 6 months and you will be pregnant again.’

I feel like shaking them and saying you have no bloody idea what it was like and how it still affects people that have suffered a traumatic birth and how it affects people that have been diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

I know people mean well and some truly don’t understand. But being a bit more sensitive would help. This was the worst and happiest day of our lives. We got our baby girl. But I nearly died in the process. Even the thought of having unprotected sex is frightening. Never mind the thought of getting pregnant again.

We made the decision to not have another baby because of the possibility of having to have IVF again and then possibly another rough pregnancy and birth.

We couldn’t face it again.

I know some women that have had an awful birth and went on to have a second child and the birth was fine. They felt happier as they got to have the experience they didn’t the first time. It brought them peace.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this a subject that you have struggled to talk to your partner about?

I was sceptical to talk about it at first. We always said we wanted two. I was worried that because I was so set against it that if he wanted another he may leave me. But I’m glad we talked it through and that we are on the same page. I sometimes sit and think, aw I’d love another. When I look at mums enjoying their newborn babies. The clothes that are around. I think about how I never got to experience that and I admit I am envious of them. It hurts. I feel a loss and disappointment. Like I’ve been cheated.

I also sit and can’t imagine loving another child as much as I do my little girl. After what it took to get pregnant and then the pregnancy and traumatic birth I worry that if I had another I may not get pregnant. I couldn’t go through the IVF again and the worry of carrying to full term. Let alone worrying about nearly dying again after giving birth. She would be left without a mother.

It’s something that goes through my mind alot. I almost have a conversation with myself. I feel guilty at times as she’s an only child. But I remember that she is loved and that I can give her everything I can.

Just know that you are not the only mother or father that feels this way. No matter what you decide there is no wrong or right decision. Just a decision that you both have to be happy with. Do what is best for you. Try your best to let people’s comments go over your head or picture the incredible hulk launching them into space. Always a good thought, ha!

Be kind to yourself.

Don’t feel guilty.

Your amazing, brave and strong.

http://twitter.com/KTMummy

Mummythomas.blog

http://m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/kerry-thomas/

8 comments

  1. I wish ppl could think more before they speak. To ask why can be rude and it’s so careless. I really understand why the thought of it is hard for you. What you went trough and still struggle with is not what you wanna do again💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are doing such a great job in helping and supporting others going through the same experiences as you Kerry 💝. I really admire your honesty and how you write about difficult subjects so thoughtfully and considerately. It’s your body and your life so only you know what’s best 😘. You are doing amazingly 💛 xx

    Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I really apreciate your kind words. I worry sometimes if I’m sharing to much as she gets older and may read it. But I hope she knows why I shared it. :/ xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s a wonderful post! Although I had quite an easy pregnancy and a wonderful birth experience, my husband and I decided to not have a second child. Our families weren’t helpful whatsoever after our daughter was born and I had such a severe postpartum depression that I just can’t imagine going through the same emotional rollercoaster and a toddler on board. The grandparents want to push me into another pregnancy anyway and sometimes I experience the same emotions as you wrote about: I’d like to have another, but I can’t imagine being able to love another baby as much as I love my daughter. I also feel bad because she will grow up as a only child, but the thought of having to go through the same things with a newborn, sleep deprivation, our families’ tactlessness, etc. just scares the living hell out of me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s such a hard decision. I know a few people that have never had any brothers and sisters and they seem fine. It’s my biggest worry as I have a sister and there is a three year gap. I look back on all the memories. But your right it is easy for people to say have another but they are not there to help. Suffering from depression to just adds to the stress and worry of going through it again. I try to look at it in a way that I can now give her everything and focus on being there for her. Instead of trying to get pregnant and worrying about the birth etc. xx just make sure you do what’s best for you xx

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  4. So glad to read this, I’ve been contemplating on writing a similar post on my blog but it’s so difficult penning my feelings down on this situation. I gave birth to my little girl in Feb 2017 and I was left disabled for over a month, I couldn’t even take care of her, climb onto my bed without assistance, use to take me more than an hour to get to the bathroom when I live in a small one bed Flat where everything is right next to each other – this is just a few things that went wrong on what was supposed to be the best day of my life… I often get asked about having another but it really saddens me, I fear it happening again but it also upsets me that I feel like this – it’s such a conflict 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s an awful situation to of been in. My experience is very similar I wrote about it in my very first blog https://mummythomas.blog/2017/08/27/the-worst-and-happiest-day-of-my-life/ please be careful if you read as I don’t want to upset you or bring back any memories. I just think unless you have had an awful birth no one truly understands. They have a very harsh approach and need to be more empathetic. Telling us that just because it was awful the first time round, doesn’t mean it will the second. Does not help us. I hope you are in a place now where you are able to enjoy time with your baby girl. It is very hard. My daughter asked me for the fisrt time today. Mummy have another baby she is two and half. I had to walk out. I didn’t want her to see me upset. I knew one day she’d ask. I’m hoping she will forget and not keep asking. She keeps asking for a sister. xxx

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