Guilt: We All Feel It At Some Point In Our Lives. 

Guilt is such an awful feeling. We all feel guilty at some point in our lives. I feel it everyday I look at my daughter playing.

I ask myself;

Why wasn’t I able to be there for her in the beginning?

Why did I have to have a traumatic birth?
Why do I have a mental illness?

I had IVF to have my daughter because I have PCOS and wasn’t able to conceive after trying fertility meds. I previously asked myself in the early days if I was even meant to be a mum? Surely it shouldn’t be this hard to get pregnant, continue to have a rough time in my pregnancy and then a traumatic birth? Now I have to deal with a mental illness.

In the early days I said to my counsellor I almost feel like I am being punished for something.

I used to ask my husband over and over again, am I doing ok? Am I a good mother? Would she be better off without me?

Since I started blogging I have come across some amazingly strong people. I realise now I am not alone in this journey and I am not the only person to have had a sh*t birth and deal with a mental illness.

I look at my daughter now and I realise she does love me. She’s here today because of me. I feed her, bathe her and put her to bed with a bedtime story or Disney songs. I play tea parties with Elsa and Anna. I make sock puppets and paint pictures with her. We go on adventures together in the park to feed the squirrels and ducks. We have a hot chocolate and secretly, a cake, ‘shhh don’t tell Daddy!’

I sat and I thought about all the things I do for her on a daily basis. She comes over and gives me cuddles when she’s sleepy or wants chocolate.

She gives me kisses and when I’m poorly she pats my back. She tells me ‘Mummy it’s ok’ when she sees me cry and asks ‘are you? Me kiss it better?’ We have this incredible bond. Sometimes I realise I need take a step back and sit down. To realise that I am a good mum and yes she does deserve a mum like me.

I just need to communicate with her when I’m sad or having a bad day and not push her away.

So to all the mums out there that are wondering, am I doing this right? Am I a good mum? The answer is yes you are.
Don’t give up.

You will have bad days and they may seem like they go on forever.

You will feel like you can’t go on.
You may ask yourself is life worth living.
You may cry and you will feel low.
You will feel like you want to shut the world out.
You will feel guilt and pressure to smile around others.
You will feel like you just want to stand in a room and scream I’m not ok.

ITS OK…You are worth it. You are amazing and strong. Dealing with a mental illness is hard work and it is both physically and mentally draining.
Be Kind To Yourself.

Take a step back.
Your doing brilliantly.

Take a piece of paper and write down the things you do for your child and the things you enjoy doing together. You will soon see that you are amazing and that you do a lot to provide for your child and you have some lovely memories that you have made and future ones that you will continue to make.

https://mummythomasblog.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/KTMummy

https://Instagram.com/ktmum01

https://m.huffpost.com/uk/author/kerry-thomas

22 comments

  1. Lovely piece! And yes, you’re clearly doing an excellent job 😁 Been through so much and still going strong, your daughter will be so proud when she is a little older and understands your journey xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another of your amazing posts❤️❤️❤️ I can’t almost describe how good you are on putting your feelings down in words!!! Wish I knew you 5 years ago 🙂 ty for reminding that we are good enough❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I admire you so much for sharing this post and it sounds like you really do have a special bond together which is so lovely. All these things you do and the struggles you went through I feel prove the opposite to what you used to think, instead of being a punishment they prove how strong you are and the lengths to which you’d go through for your daughter. Thank you for sharing your story xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Mom guilt never ends! I feel like there is always something that I feel guilty about. Whether it’s not paying enough attention to them or paying too much attention to them, I’m always questioning my mothering and feeling guilty about something. You certainly aren’t alone. Thanks for the reminder that we are enough!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are a very strong mama and I admire the strength you had on your journey. It bothers me everyday to be a working mom. I want so badly to not miss my daughter’s first or be the one who will always be her first responder. I take one day at a time. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you I appreciate your kind words, it’s very hard when you miss out on their firsts. But you are out working so that you can provide and make a better life for your child remember that 😊don’t be hard on yourself. I admit it still sucks that we don’t get the choice to stay at home if we want to. As everything costs an absolute fortune these days Xx

      Like

  6. This is so inspiring! I actually started to tear up. I can only hope and pray that I have a bond like yours with my twins. I love them with my whole heart and I want them to know and understand just how much I do. ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s