I recently had a meltdown. I had been overwhelmed for months about moving house and leaving my hometown. I’m excited to start a new adventure. But everything got a bit too much and I was stressed to the max.
I just burst into tears and said I didn’t want to be involved in any discussions anymore regarding the new house. I’m exhausted with worry about it. I have realised my mental illness will stay with me forever. I need to accept that I will have good and bad days and learn how to deal with them.
I realise that no one really understands what it’s like to have a mental illness unless they’ve had one. Loved ones support us but they truly don’t understand what it’s like being you and understand what’s going on in your mind.
I’m a normal individual. I am not crazy. I just struggle with my emotions now. I struggle in stressful situations.
I’m still me.
When things get too much I struggle to rationalise things and my emotions get the better of me. I cry or walk off. I may say things I don’t mean because I can’t process things quickly enough. I don’t get my opinions across as I’d like.
I have good days where I feel like the old me. Laughing and smiling. Not a care in the world, a worrier but a worrier over small things.
I have bad days where I feel this black cloud hangs over me. I don’t want to get out of bed or speak. I want to stay under the covers and hide away. I smile and deep down I’m screaming. I pretend I’m ok just so I don’t have to explain why I feel low today. People look at me and think you have a husband, a home and a child, what more do you what?
Why are you depressed?
Truth is you can have all the luxuries in the world and a happy family but still suffer with depression.
There’s times when someone says something and I go back to that time where I felt most vulnerable. I don’t feel in control. My guard goes up and I say f*ck the world. I become so emotional that I can’t speak rationally and I over react because my mind goes back to that day;
When they stripped my dignity away.
When I felt like I had no choice.
When I felt lost and alone.
When I felt paranoid and scared.
When I felt I was ignored like a museum piece, moved around and talked about. Opinions passed around but nobody really appreciating it.
Mental illness affects everyone differently. I have days when I feel I’m over it. I can move on then wham hits me like a train. Fast and hard.
I wish you could live in my mind on a bad day so you can empathise with me and understand I’m not crazy or irrational. My behaviour is justified. So I don’t feel embarrassed or humiliated because I had a meltdown. Just to understand me and except I’m not perfect.
Here’s the new me, good days and bad. I’m still me.
I’m sorry if you feel embarrassed or don’t know what to say. Just ask if I’m ok and tell me things will work out. Don’t shy away and feel silence is best. It makes me paranoid and upset. I feel like a burden and feel like I’ve done something wrong. Just sit with me and say ‘hey don’t get upset it’s a s*it day and tommorow will be a different day.’ Don’t walk away, don’t feel uncomfortable.
Just stay and say, ‘I’m here if you need a chat.’
Support and a caring empathetic person is what we need.
Mental health is portrayed badly and portrays people to be crazy. Sometimes people say we need to get on with the life and get over it. This is not helpful because it really isn’t that simple. Two and a half years on and I’m still struggling somedays. I know people that are ten years on and still have bad days. We just learn to deal with them better as time goes by.
If only it was that easy to just move on and forget, I’d sign up today. Just be patient and be supportive. I understand it from your perspective it’s hard to see someone you know suffer with an illness and one day see them fine the next a mess. Never knowing what mood your going to get today. But how would you treat someone with a physical illness? Treat us the same.
A listening ear
Is all we want.
Here are some helpful websites if you wish to look into Postnatal PTSD & Postnatal depression. If you are a relative, partner or a friend. You can have a look at what the illnesses are and even speak to a member of the team to ask any question you wish. They are there to support you as well not just the person with a mental illness.
If you are a dad suffering with mental health issues after your baby was born or even before. Or if your partner has Postnatal depression and you need to talk. A great support group called PND for daddies is great you can find them via twitter and Facebook.
@thepnddaddy. He holds a support group #pnddaddies on a Monday 7-8pm U.K. Time. you can find him on twitter.
Website – http://www.pnddaddies.org.uk/
Or @pndandme via twitter holds a support group on a Wednesday at 8pm uk time. #pndhour
If you are suffering with Birth trauma the birth trauma association is great and birth and beyond.
These are just some of the organisations and support groups I have come across. Feel free to reach out to them and ask any questions you wish. Even if you are not suffering yourself but need advice they are fantastic. You will not be judged. After all we are all in the same boat one way or another.
Please feel free to ask me any questions you have. I may not be able to answer them but I will try my best.x